The Genesis of Alhena Adams

My first memory is watching my teen female cousins apply makeup to their little sister who was my age.  I felt left out when they didn't do me next.  My first dream that I remember was of myself grown up as a woman.  I was naked getting into the tub, and I had no genitalia, no penis or vagina, just flat like a barbie doll.  I didn't find out boys and girls had different equipment down there for another 8 years.  In kindergarten that cousin came to live with us and I would steal her girlie school items: stickers, heart shaped erasers, pencils with pretty designs, etc.  She snitched on me and I told my first lie.  My mother was distant and avoidant, but when she did parent, it was to beat me when I behaved in a feminine way.  A boy pushed me off the slide and I started crying.  She spanked me for letting him.  Throughout my life she shamed me for my instinctual behavior and when I was old enough she indoctrinated me with a single pervasive thought: better dead than gay.  I was always daddies little girl.  In the transition from age 12 to 13, all of a sudden it became wrong to sit on his lap and bask in the tenderness only he provided in my life.  I was cognitively aware I had a boy's body, but I felt extreme anxiety for reasons I couldn't understand.  School had been and had continued to be excrutiating.  I was a sissy, and everyone saw it and used it against me way before I accepted it.  I didn't know what was wrong with me...